…Said a part of me whom I haven’t heard from in a while. After having published my new blog and facebook page after months of preparation and sharing it with so many people in a celebratory and proud way, something happened.
Five days of joy, celebration, feeling very grounded and in my power, and then I crashed. It all went away. What the heck?
As this change descended on me, I chose to ‘be with’ the part of me in resistance. Be with my feelings, and breathe. I knew I wasn’t going to shove the resistance down and I couldn’t just jump up and fix it, though I sure wanted to in the moment.
I am in the midst of a 9-week course given by an amazing woman whom I’ve been blessed to play with and now work with. In the course, I have been remembering/getting to know again/learning about some of the different parts of me – my little girl, my teenager, my ‘nice Cathy’, my wise self, even my future self. I have done work in the past and recently with most all these parts and there’s always more!
I have had times in my life of manifesting quickly and apparently I manifested an experience to practice being with a part of me who resisted me writing my blog.
My invitation from my course and for myself is to have empathy and unconditional love for all my parts when they show up. Easy for the parts I enjoy and are flowing, you know, the ones that feel good. Not so easy for the parts who speak to me with judgment and words of discouragement.
This morning, I meditated and chose to hold space for the judging part. I let her know I was here for her and that she mattered. I sensed a shift. She shared that what was under the judgment was fear and a desire for my safety. She was afraid that I might say something in my blog posts that would trigger other people and that I would be judged, seen as less than, no longer ‘nice Cathy’, maybe un-friended, or worse! I acknowledged her fear and honored it.
Up until that moment, her fear had been expressed by saying to me, “Who are you to write a blog? You are nobody. You didn’t even graduate from college. You don’t have writing skills. You don’t know how to punctuate or even write a blog. Are you just wanting attention? Get over it. You don’t need to do this. You can stop now.”
No wonder I dropped out of my empowered place listening to these thoughts. Whew.
I remember why I started a blog/fb page in the first place – to support my own continued growth and healing, to support my self-expression and for those who resonate with my writings and/or me, to have a place to connect, share and create community with others. That hasn’t changed, nor has my list of topics that are alive for me and I want to write about. Some of which include: Body shame/love, sisterhood, media’s affect on children/teens about their bodies and sex, aging and ageism, self-worth, sex and menopause and more.
Slowly, over time I have been healing, releasing and letting go of the part of my identity attached to being a good girl, nice Cathy. Another layer to heal.
In the moment, I am feeling grateful. Grateful that I know writing helps me heal, helps me process and learn. Grateful to see it in action through what I wrote today. Grateful to be able to offer empathy and love to my resistant part and have a sense she feels heard and understood. I am grateful to my continued commitment of creating a loving relationship with all of me, especially the resistant parts – who I know and trust that underneath it all, want the very best for me.
Tenderly, vulnerably, gratefully, and more grounded than I have been in days,